Director: Clea DuVall (White, Woman, Lesbian)
Usually, I don't really bother with rom-coms (gay or not) because frankly, they're not my style. I find them cringe inducing and annoying, and largely frustrating. But I kept seeing posts over and over again about this movie that I figured hell, why not - bring on the sleigh bells and the gingerbread.
*Edit from the future - I wrote this review like a fucking fever dream so prepare for that I guess.*
Kristen Stewart and the many Hot Suits
I don't know about you, but I'm really happy to see Kristen Stewart in a movie where she actually gets to have a personality. Not that her character Abby has much personality, but hell, any character has more personality than Bella Swan. That being said, yes I know she's been in other movies, but I'm also just really delighted to see her play lesbian characters.
Also - the costume designer gave us a blessing in the form of Kristen Stewart in suits. The queers are all gonna watch this film if nothing else for the fact that Kristen Stewart has a whole list of suits that she wears throughout the film in which she looks outstandingly, absurdly hot. How in all hell the other characters aren't supposed to guess that she's gay is beyond me, because just LOOK AT THESE SUITS.
GAY
Supportive Best Friends and Sibling
Dan Levy as John who is too gay to function and Mary Holland as Jane - the total nerd who is absolutely devoted to her family are a delight on screen. I would have watched a whole movie about those two to be completely honest. Yes, they're wildly over the top and not believable, but they're also hilarious - which this movie desperately needed because of the ANXIETY. (We'll get there, I swear.)
AUBREY PLAZA
I have always loved Aubrey Plaza. She utterly stole my heart in Parks and Rec, and she utterly stole my heart in this movie too as the character Riley. She is witty, playful, brilliant, honest, and HOT. She gets real with Abby, listens to her, cheers her up in a fantastic gay bar with wonderful drag queens. And this is a problem mostly because -
Abby and Harper have the chemistry of a Wet Turd Sandwich
This is an issue for a Rom-Com in which you are supposed to root for the main characters to do the thing where they magically fall in love all over again. Because their love wasn't really believable from the very first scene.
In fact - the VERY FIRST SCENE of the film - Harper (who is played by MacKenzie Davis) is desperately trying to get her girlfriend to enjoy Christmas, who typically AVOIDS Christmas because it reminds her of her DEAD PARENTS.
Abby isn't into it, and Harper doesn't care! She is so taken over with the Christmas spirit and her magical night (that Abby clearly isn't enjoying!) that she invites her girlfriend over to her parents house! EXCEPT she lied when she said that she was out to her parents, so her parents don't know about Abby - WHOOPSIE.
Cue the anxiety.
From here on out, its just a snowball of lying and manipulation by Harper - attempting to save face for her panic-inducing extremely dysfunctional heteronormative family. Going as far as to push Abby so freaking far away that the whole time I was just screaming "RUN ABBY RUN" throughout the entire film. Anxiety.
The directors try to remind us of their relationship by having them smooch on-screen, but of course, due to the chemistry being like a cold fish, it's completely unbelievable and feels forced and uncomfortable. Instead, it ends up feeling like gaslighting - where Abby says "I have a problem with this" and Harper replies with "It's not really a problem, you're just being too clingy". A N X I E T Y.
What the fuck was the mall scene?
I don't fucking know what that was. I hated it. It made literally zero sense as mall cops do not act that way. The kids are little shits and slightly terrifying, and is this supposed to be funny? Small anxiety. The mom now thinks that Abby is a klepto and Harper doesn't really try to amend this! Anxiety.
Despite Everything, Abby and Riley Do Not End Up Together???
Which is honestly, a true shame. If that turn had been taken, this movie would have been a KNOCKOUT. Leave your manipulative girlfriend for someone who is hot and honest and brilliant! Who actually tries to show you a good time in the weird small town! Who doesn't prioritize her weird old high school friends and ex-boyfriends!
But no - we get to go back to Harper-mcGaslighty because wow she had the ability to come out to her parents WAY AFTER SO MUCH DAMAGE had been done and you ALREADY DECIDED TO GO HOME. Yeah, its FINE. Let's just pretend that all didn't happen and we can have a Merry Christmas!!!
A N X I E T Y.
